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One of the things about being a victim is the loss of control you feel. Before the devastation of being a victim most of us feel in control of our lives. Once we are notified of a loved one being murdered we realize we are not in control. I have often heard from victims that they just “did what they were told” through the process. Other people are in control and we are so traumatized we can’t even control our thinking much less fight back to those who have taken control. It is very important for you to start taking back control regardless of how small the gesture is or how unimportant it may seem or how much of your energy will be consumed by the battle. We must take the small steps, even though they seem like giant steps to us to re gain control. The more you know, the more empowered you will be. Go to criminal trials in your district, watch the process and learn about the system, when you are tired of the media’s half truths and innuendos about your loved one, write a blistering letter to the editor. Tell the facts about your loved one (not about the case). When a reporter wants an interview, give them one and talk about your loved one; tell them what kind of a person they were, what their dreams and plans were. Remember the media is going to print something and if you don’t talk to them the other side will. Also remember that the public reading the news are your jury pool. Wouldn’t you much rather they know about your loved one?
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Never Say this to the family of a victim |
COUNSELOR’S CORNER
Never say this to the family of a victim:
- I know how you feel.
- (Was your child murdered?)
- You shouldn’t feel that way.
- (Tell me how I should feel; maybe I can make myself feel the way you think I should.)
- It was God’s Will.
- (If you’re so in touch with what God’s will is, ask him “why?”)
- You have got to get on with your life.
- (If I get up, I’m getting on.)
- You’ve got to be strong.
- God took him or her.
- (No, my child was murdered by an evil person. He was not taken up from a mountain top in a cloud.)
- God needed him or her.
- (God doesn’t need him, if so he could make another one. I can’t, I needed him; he was my life.)
- You should be over that by now.
- (There is no getting over the loss of your loved one by violence.)
- You can have other children.
- God is testing you.
- (Well, I’m sure I failed his test and he’s failed mine, too. Does that matter?)
- Good will come from it.
- (How could anything good ever come from such evil?)
- It’s for the best.
- (Anyone that tells you it’s for the best that your child is murdered isn’t dealing with a full deck. Tell them to get the hell away from you.)
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Counselor’s Corner
If you want to help a family that was robbed of a loved one through homicide, the most important gift s are to be there and to listen. Being there shows them that you care deeply about them and listening to the m talk, cry, or even scream
offers them an outlet for their confused and volatile emotions. If you knew the victim, please don’t send them a sympathy card. Write them a personal letter. Tell them about some cute or caring thing the victim did. This will let them know
the victim will never be forgotten. These letters will always be treasured by the family. Don’t worry about what to say. Don’t say anything except “I’m so sorry.” Just be there and listen with your heart. Don’t get discouraged if you feel
like you’re not helping or you’re confused about how long to stay. Let your compassion be your guide.
Joyce Miller, LPC |
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Deja'vu
When a loved one is murdered it’s never really over, as victims we think we will feel better after the police apprehend the criminals or after we get to trial or after the criminals goes to prison but we usually leave the courtroom feeling there is no justice even if we get the death penalty( which are few & far between). We will probably die of old age before they’re executed due to appellate judges. Even if we should be fortunate enough to actually have one executed during our lifetime; it is still not justice. No criminal’s life could ever equal the life of our loved one.
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Counseler's Corner